Your husband is impotent?
George C, a physically strong, hardworking man of fifty-three, had desired intercourse five or six times a week during his married life—until recently. His wife complained that he no longer showed an interest in her. She recalled that he had lost his erection a few weeks back, and they had terminated their lovemaking that night. They had never discussed it, but he had seemed indifferent since then. She also observed that he had taken on more responsibility in his job the past few months and showed an unaccustomed tiredness.
Greg H. and his wife slept in twin beds and were careful never to touch each other or demonstrate any affection. Over a period of time he had developed an inability to have intercourse. His wife felt sorry for him and “tried to make it as easy on him as possible by not bothering him about it.”
Ralph B. desired his wife, but in the middle of their lovemaking his desire “short-circuited,” as he described it.
Don Y.’s wife was highly demanding of her husband, often commenting on his failure to satisfy her. He soon found himself concentrating on his performance, rather than on his pleasure. Finally he could not perform at all.
Harry M. had been an alcoholic for some years. After experiencing several failures to obtain an erection, he became more and more fearful.
Joe S. and his wife had always had a satisfying sexual relationship but they both noticed a disturbing change in his ability to maintain an erection. They discussed it and then made an appointment to see their family physician.
Roger A. was in a state of depression and had no interest in sex at all. His wife could not tell the doctor which had come first, the depression or his indifference to sex.
All these men suffer from the disturbing condition known as impotence. Impotence is the inability of the husband to achieve or keep an erection sufficient for intercourse. In physical terms, the erect penis contains four or five times the volume of blood it has when flaccid. When the man experiences impotence (for whatever reason), the vascular reflex mechanism fails to pump in sufficient blood and hold the blood there to make the penis firm and keep it erect. A man may feel aroused and desire to make love, but his penis does not become erect. Another man suffering from impotence may be in the process of making love to his wife, when his erection disappears and he reacts with panic.
Some of the most discouraged men I see in my office are those who come because of impotence. Yet these men have reason to hope, because most of those who take constructive steps toward facing and resolving their problem will regain their sexual powers. Their marriages may be even better afterward, for solving the impotence problem requires a kind of loving cooperation from the wife that can greatly strengthen a couple’s mutual understanding and enrich their expression of love.
While a very small percentage of men have never been able to experience an erection or ejaculation, the great majority of men seeking treatment for impotence have functioned at least fairly well, until they developed a difficulty. Impotence appears in all ages, all races, on every social level, and within every economic group. At the risk of oversimplification, I will observe that impotence usually is caused by a man’s thoughts. Seldom does a man with a positive mental attitude toward sex suffer from the condition, although every man at some time or other loses an erection. Therapist Helen Kaplan asserts that approximately one-half of the male population have experienced occasional times when they lost their erection or could not even get one for intercourse.
In many cases of impotence, this rather common experience of erection loss sets up a vicious cycle of failure/anxiety/more failure/more anxiety, until impotence, rather than a pleasurable sex experience, becomes the conditioned response. Anxiety narrows into panic as the condition continues; and the keener the fear and psychic pain, the more the sufferer tries to escape by “turning off” to his wife, virtually trying to expunge sex from his life.
I particularly appreciate the opportunity to give this information on impotence to both husbands and wives who may be facing this problem. I intend now to talk to you, in the privacy of your own marriage, through the pages of this book. For others of you who have never experienced this condition, I suggest that you read carefully and be forewarned. Wise responses to a passing difficulty may save what could be years of grief if the temporary experience were allowed to become an established condition. The point is that in most cases this does not have to happen. An occasional experience of impotence may have no significance, unless the man or his wife views it as a serious problem. Of course, impotence that changes the sex life of a couple must be dealt with.
Why is this condition so extremely devastating to the man? Because it cuts away his self-esteem where he is most vulnerable. Historically, sexual ability has been viewed as the mark of the real man—the he-man. Impotence involves the organ of his body that most represents his manhood. Impotence threatens his ego with the thought that he can no longer satisfy the woman he loves. Culturally, men have been depicted as always ready for sex, continually on the verge of exploding with desire, as it were. This is something an ordinary man may feel he has to try to live up to, suspecting that his own intensity of ardor falls a bit below the standard. Add to this the increasing pressure today on the husband to perform, when many women are preoccupied with their own needs and loudly demanding all they think they have missed. Then the slick manuals on elaborate (and often uncomfortable) new approaches to sensation and all the magazine articles on the subject give the man the impression that the world is coming into his bedroom to check on his performance. All in all, a man may feel inadequate at best, and when the worst happens—impotence— the results are both frustrating and humiliating.
The greatest mistake a man can make when troubling impotence appears is to “try not to think about it.” Some men who are free to verbalize their fears with a loving, understanding wife will overcome the difficulty without even considering the need for professional help.
If the condition persists, the man should see his physician and tell him specifically what the trouble is. When the doctor knows what the patient is there for, he will try to determine the real extent of the problem. The medical criterion for impotence is a patient’s self-report of failure to achieve or maintain erection for successful intercourse in at least 50 to 75 percent of his attempts. (Occasional failures should not be viewed as impotence.)
Then the physician will give the man a careful physical examination and possibly will schedule urological and endocrinological studies to rule out organic causes.
Diabetes is suspected first because 40 to 60 percent of diabetics eventually become impotent regardless of their diabetic control. However, these men can continue to enjoy the sexual relationship because they can almost always ejaculate normally, even though they may be unable to have an erection. This, of course, means that both husband and wife will need to develop more enjoyable physical closeness and openness of communication, so that they can learn to provide the most pleasing manual stimulation for each other, leading to orgasm for both.
Researchers report that female diabetics usually do not experience a lessening of desire or orgasmic response, and there is no change in their vaginal lubrication during sexual activity.
Causes of impotence may be difficult to pinpoint precisely. About 75 percent of impotent men undergoing treatment are found to have some sort of organic condition that could contribute to the impotence. In fact impotence is sometimes of crucial diagnostic value since it may even be the first indication of an organic condition that definitely requires medical treatment.
However, in more than 75 percent of the men treated, mild to moderate psychological problems, such as inhibition, shame and avoidance, feelings of insecurity or personal inadequacy or guilt, anger and hostility, and a fear of intimacy, are definitely associated with the impotence.
Posted in For the Impotent Husband
To Ed Wheat Sr. and Gladys Gibson Wheat, whose commitment, devotion, warmth, generosity, and integrity stood for fifty years as a beautiful picture of genuine agape love.