The Primary Problem
Beyond all other factors contributing to impotence is the primary problem: The husband is too intensely preoccupied with his ability or inability to achieve and maintain an erection. He is pressured by the fear of failure. He concentrates on his bodily reactions like a spectator at his own lovemaking until self-consciousness destroys all joy, abandon, and sensation of pleasure. He tries, without success, to command the sexual reflexes, but they respond only to desire and stimulation. He becomes like the person who “can’t do anything right.” “I’m all thumbs today,” such a person complains, and from then on pays attention to his failures, not his successes. So the anxious lover fumbles and concentrates on his fumbles, until he is aware of nothing else. Self-consciousness is always self-defeating. It always produces an unsatisfactory state of affairs and never more so than in the lovemaking process. It opens the door to fear of failure, the true villain behind the scenes, and any cure must deal with this fear.
What has happened to the wife during the development of impotency? She is apt to be in one of three camps: (1) feeling rejected and taking the blame; (2) feeling rejected and reacting with hostility; or (3) trying to understand and wanting to help in the most mature and loving way possible—if only someone will tell her how.
I cannot emphasize enough to the wife that she very well may be the one who holds the key to the cure for her husband. The cooperation of a loving partner in restoring a man to sexual vigor cannot be overestimated. When I see such a wife ready to work with her husband—loyal and caring, more concerned about him than about her own ego—I have great confidence that the husband will be cured.
A woman who has difficulty accepting herself may view the husband’s impotence as a personal rejection of her, when in reality it is another problem altogether. She may take it as proof of her own inadequacy as a woman, when instead it may in no way reflect her husband’s disinterest. In fact men are most apt to fear failure with the woman they love, while they could perform effectively with a woman they are indifferent to. Someone has pointed out that love and erection are not synonymous words. Her frustrated husband may have a great deal of desire but no accompanying erection. So to such a woman, I suggest that she choose to think rationally about herself, her husband, and the situation. When she refuses to put herself down and instead puts herself at her husband’s disposal, as they work together for a cure, she will take significant steps toward the kind of emotional maturity that will make her far more desirable than ever before.
I have noted that some of the women who complain most about their husband’s not being able to satisfy them sexually turn out to be the least cooperative when it comes to working together to solve the problem. To the hostile wife, I should point out that she is only defeating herself, for she and the husband she is undermining are still one flesh in the eyes of God. In helping her husband, she will do a great service to herself and will perhaps find the love she inwardly longs for, as she learns to give.
To that woman who is mature, stable, sensitive, and accepting of her husband’s needs, I say that she can work wonders—and she will! In the process, even without intercourse, there can be a good deal of mutual pleasure as well.
The two begin by admitting that they have a problem—a couple problem—which can be solved. As they move toward a solution, they will be ridding each other of the buildup of feelings of inadequacy. What a gift to give!
The solution involves three lines of approach, which we might call in easy-to-remember terms: talk, touch, and teasing.
Talk refers to the establishment of broken communication lines, lines that have been battered down by periods of indifference and frustration. The wife must help her husband put his fears into words. The conspiracy of silence is now broken, and the man must be able to express how he feels. As each is open to the feelings of the other, a climate of understanding and tender togetherness grows.
Touch refers to physical communication, which may also have broken down as each moved to his or her own side of the bed after periods of frustration. The husband and the wife must begin again to enjoy the fun and pleasure of affection, of cuddling and caressing and sleeping close together.
Teasing suggests the kind of sexual relationship that can begin to develop, even though the husband is still unable (or thinks he is unable) to gain an erection. The couple should agree to spend time together pleasuring each other without any demand for intercourse. The husband should use the new communication lines to tell his wife exactly what gives him pleasure. Her body is available to him, and his body is available to her. Let them enjoy caressing each other in love play without expecting anything further. The wife should demand nothing of him in terms of arousal; some therapists suggest that the couple agree to prohibit intercourse and orgasm for several days. They should simply relax together in a warm, intimate situation, while he learns to let his body take over with the proper responses. In this setting of leisurely erotic stimulation without sexual intercourse, the penis erection will wax and wane. The husband will discover that once an erection is obtained, it will come back if it goes away. To observe it come and go is an important part of the training process for both husband and wife, as they gain experiential knowledge that with loving cooperation the erection will always return.
When the time seems right, the husband will find delight in satisfying his wife by stimulation of the clitoris. When he feels ready for intercourse, the wife should be prepared to insert the penis. Even if it is only partially erect, she can “stuff the penis in the vagina, and the subsequent stimulation will often increase and maintain the erection.
It has been found that the male-above position is usually the most satisfying and stimulating position for men experiencing difficulty with erection.
The lovemaking process should never be rushed. There is enough time to regain full sexual powers, and the love play should be carried out in a most pleasurable, leisurely, and sensual manner. Privacy should be ensured. The wife should wear her most appealing gown (which may be no gown at all), and the husband should use the endearing names he once called her. Some names can be very unstimulating. (Have you ever heard a man call his wife Mow? Too often, if he calls her this, he will subconsciously visualize her as mother, thus losing sexual interest.)
Once gentle stimulation and erotic encounters have turned the tide, remember that success breeds more success. The husband should realize, however, that fears of failure in sexual performance could come back at any time, perhaps when he is in a stress-filled situation. He can find a cure the way he found the first one—by turning to his wife, sharing his fears, finding comfort and pleasure in her body, relaxing and refusing to demand any performance from himself.
The wife must be careful not to make him feel inferior, never to put him under pressure, never to judge his sexual performance. She must be responsive and seductive, yet not come on too strong. Together they can make the most of their sexual relationship— perhaps finding far more pleasure in each other than they ever did before the difficulty developed.
Posted in For the Impotent Husband
To Ed Wheat Sr. and Gladys Gibson Wheat, whose commitment, devotion, warmth, generosity, and integrity stood for fifty years as a beautiful picture of genuine agape love.