Premature Ejaculation
Because premature ejaculation can be the primary cause of the woman’s orgasmic dysfunction, we will discuss ejaculatory control first. Specifically, the term describes the husband who ejaculates before entering his wife’s vagina, or ejaculates immediately after entry. It also refers to the husband’s inability to control ejaculation for a sufficient length of time during intravaginal containment to satisfy his wife in at least 50 percent of their times of sexual intercourse. In other words, the husband arrives at ejaculation before he wishes to do so.
One main cause of premature ejaculation is poor learning at the beginning of marriage. A new husband who has built up great tension through the period of courtship and engagement may ejaculate when he takes his wife in his arms on their wedding night, and for many nights thereafter. Some men mistakenly feel that a quick release is a sign of masculinity. Thus they never realize the need to learn to control the timing of their ejaculation so that they can experience the joy and oneness that comes with consistently bringing the wife to orgasm during intercourse.
The problem of premature ejaculation is occasionally established from sexual experiences before marriage. Heavy petting with stimulation to ejaculation can form a hurried pattern of love-making. Premarital intercourse instills guilt about the sex act itself, and in such furtive acts there is the constant pressure to “get it over with” before discovery. This pattern of hurried ejaculation will usually continue after marriage, until the husband realizes that there is a need to change. A good sexual adjustment is always a learned experience. It does not come naturally.
The main difficulty with premature ejaculation is that it does not give full sexual satisfaction to the wife. When this problem persists, the pattern of the marriage is somewhat predictable. The wife feels that she is being inconsiderately used and that her husband is only concerned with his own pleasure and has no real appreciation of her sexual needs. She is left without a means of physical release and builds an increasing level of resentment at being used sexually rather than loved sexually. In the usual course of events, after a period of years, husband and wife both withdraw from some of the commitment of marriage; the man doubts his masculinity and the wife loses her confidence as a woman. As the man becomes more and more anxious about his failure to satisfy his wife, he may even lose his ability to maintain an erection. This is called impotence. A quiet but hostile marriage without sex may result.
Another problem of premature ejaculation is that a “satisfied” husband has a tendency to discontinue his physical attentions to his wife after his orgasm. Not only is the wife denied the feeling of sexual release in orgasm, but she may also have acute and chronic physical pain stemming from congestion of her pelvic organs, engorged with blood that is normally released with orgasm. Thus the wife is frustrated when he falls asleep at her side. He is snoring and she is fuming!
An occasional premature ejaculation can occur in any man, especially when there is sexual union after the husband and wife have been apart for a number of days. If this is the case, the husband should immediately begin to use his fingers to gently stimulate his wife’s clitoris, since his penis will no longer have the firmness necessary to stimulate her to orgasm. Thus the wife is assured of her husband’s concern for her complete sexual fulfillment.
The need to prolong erection and delay ejaculation is a problem that has been around for a long time. Until recently, a man’s only solutions were to concentrate on something not associated with sex (sometimes difficult to accomplish while in the sex act), to take tranquilizers, or to apply some type of anesthetic cream or a sheath to the penis. None of these so-called solutions is completely effective or satisfactory. Recently physicians have begun prescribing Paxil which tends to delay ejaculation.
Sometimes the husband tries to solve the problem by using manual stimulation to bring the wife to a very high degree of sexual tension just before insertion of the penis. A disadvantage of this technique is that the wife is often so desperate to have her orgasm that her frantic thrusting produces almost instant ejaculation by her husband, while she still needs more time.
Many other factors may add up to produce an unsatisfactory sex relationship. Since the husband can be relieved by ejaculation, he may not see the need to change for his wife’s sake. Researchers have found that many such men are selfish and do not consider themselves inadequate lovers, but blame their wives for not being sexy enough. The husband may assume that his wife also enjoys the relationship as it is; or he may assume that her slower response is all her problem. The wife may further complicate the situation by faking orgasm and faking enjoyment of sex to please her husband. The false idea that pleasure in sex is unnecessary for the woman, as well as the belief of some wives that sex is strictly a duty, has contributed greatly to the misery of the tortoise-hare relationship.
Recognizing and admitting that a problem exists is half the battle won. Too many couples simply go on for years accepting premature ejaculation, not even realizing that they have a problem. A few couples would rather not contemplate a change where they have failed so often in the past. It becomes easier and easier to remain in the same old rut, rather than get on the road to a solution.
The husband’s problem is easier to remedy than the woman’s; so, men, you no longer have to be the hare. With the methods we will discuss, you can slow down to be of greater help to your wife, and at the same time gain more satisfaction and confidence in yourself!
Although it is essential at the beginning for the husband to admit that he has the problem of premature ejaculation, both he and his wife should view this as a “couple” difficulty, requiring “couple” cooperation to find the solution. Husband and wife need to covenant together to follow through a relatively short program of practical exercises that will definitely help in a matter of a few weeks. In the course of these procedures they will learn the technique of squeeze control, in which squeeze pressure is applied to the erect penis. This technique causes no pain, since most of the pain-sensitive areas in the male genitals are in the testicles rather than the penis, but it does make the husband lose his urge to ejaculate, and often he loses some erection momentarily.
The squeeze-control procedure was presented by Masters and Johnson at the Reproductive Biology Research Foundation in St. Louis, where Gaye and I studied at one of their postgraduate workshops for counselors and educators in the field of human sexual function and dysfunction. I have adapted the material for my medical practice and for this book.
The wife must understand that the squeeze-control technique is not effective if done by the husband on himself. She must be involved! With her full cooperation and willingness to learn and apply certain basic principles, and with warm personal involvement expressed openly, this troublesome marital problem can be solved. Much greater sexual pleasure will be the reward for both partners.
Since the premature ejaculation problem may have been present for a long time, no couple should expect an immediate solution. It will take time to form new response patterns. Practice sessions of at least twenty minutes’ duration should be carried out lovingly and leisurely with little attention given to the clock. It is important not to skip practice sessions and they should never be shortened to less than twenty minutes, unless an ejaculation accidentally occurs.
During the course of this program, one can get so caught up with avoiding orgasm that tension builds. Remember, there is no harm in an orgasm by mistake. Nevertheless, strictly avoid orgasm as a goal. Special objectives are given for each phase of the program. But always, learning physical communication and building sensitive understanding are of key importance. Each session should be a time of pleasure and enjoyment for both partners, never hurried and never tedious.
Repeat a phase at your practice sessions until you have mastered the objectives of that particular phase. This means that you may spend a number of practice sessions on one phase before you are ready to … on to the next. These sessions may take place on a daily basis or at two- or three-day intervals. I suggest that the total duration of the first four phases not exceed four weeks, as prolonging this time tends to lead to boredom.
Posted in Solutions to Common Problems
To Ed Wheat Sr. and Gladys Gibson Wheat, whose commitment, devotion, warmth, generosity, and integrity stood for fifty years as a beautiful picture of genuine agape love.