Anger and hostility, no matter how veiled or repressed, will kill any growth of loving intimacy. Marital boredom is often the mask that hides a world of rage and resentment never openly expressed. This happens when a couple fail to resolve issues as they arise. Sometimes they will opt for a strained politeness, refusing to deal with the cause of tension. Sometimes they resume a marital front, pretending that the clash never happened, but the bad feelings are still there. The issue may still be there, too, waiting to trouble them another day.
An argument, distasteful as it seems at the time, is better than chilly silence, because an argument does represent a reaching out to the other person. The underlying desire of the two arguing is that their position will be understood and accepted by the other. Arguments sometimes bring about a new understanding between husband and wife. Read the rest of this entry »
Many couples not only freely criticize each other in the hope of bringing about improvements in the other’s appearance or behavior, but they also fall into the habit of unconscious criticism—constant carping on a small scale—woven into their daily conversation. This is not an environment in which intimacy can flower.
Listen to yourselves. If there is habitual criticism, you can do something about it, even before your partner decides a change is needed. On your part, totally refrain from criticism, no matter how much you want to retaliate. Instead, replace those critical words with positive words of praise and encouragement. It can reverse the whole trend of your relationship, and you will begin to see just how impoverished the two of you were before, when you were unable to sit down and just enjoy talking with each other in an atmosphere of open sharing.
Intimacy is rooted in this security of belonging but it must be nourished by an ongoing sexual relationship that is sensuous and satisfying, characterized by tenderness, and by the feeling both partners receive of being loved for themselves. When sex is experienced in this way, a cluster of emotional benefits appears: relief from hurts, a welling of joy and optimism, a sense of security and peace.
When this kind of intimacy is sustained, husband and wife become so close emotionally that they are alert and responsive to fluctuations of feeling in the other, always concerned about the other’s well-being, finely tuned to what the partner needs.
Partners may become angry with each other—this happens occasionally in any interpersonal relationship. But the situation is rather quickly resolved, because they cannot bear to have their state of intimacy disrupted. Afterward, sex becomes a means of joyous reunion. Read the rest of this entry »
Real sexual intimacy links marriage partners with strong strands of caring that are deeply emotional, mental—even spiritual—and also intensely physical; thus closeness does not occur only at times of intercourse. Because of the God-designed one-flesh relationship, real intimacy between husband and wife always has sexual dimensions, whether they are having sex or just talking; snuggling close in their sleep or dressing together for the day; working in the garden side by side or engaged in prayer. It is all lovemaking.
The practice of tenderness; loving gestures; frequent, affectionate, physical touching; shared thoughts; exchanged feelings; mutual supportiveness and trust; the valuing of each other’s bodies, almost as if the other were one’s own; shared laughter; a closeness so substantial and abiding that no one else can interfere with it—all this adds up to continuous sexual interaction in a deeply satisfying form. It is the mating pattern of true sexual intimacy. Read the rest of this entry »
When our Creator devised the one-flesh relationship, He placed within it the potential for a sexual intimacy that could bless marriages almost beyond belief. This potential has not always been understood, but today therapists and researchers are discovering thatgenuine sexual intimacy has a remarkable power to heal, renew, refresh, restore, and sustain the marriage relationship.
But, one may ask, Isn’t every sexual encounter an expression of intimacy? After all, what could be more intimate than the sex act? The ancient Romans had a gloomy proverb that suggests the answer: Post coitum omnis animal triste. “Every creature is sad following sexual intercourse.” In other words, in the vastness of the universe, a small attempt at closeness has been made. Two have tried to cure loneliness through the temporary joining of their bodies. But in only a matter of moments, even the attempt is over, and one is alone again. For men and women trying to smother their loneliness and anxiety with casual sexual encounters, sadness and a gnawing sense of emptiness are the logical outcome; such intercourse is devoid of the real, sustained intimacy possible only between a husband and wife who are committed to each other. Read the rest of this entry »
Medical treatment of the erectile dysfunction generally consists of one or all of the following: taking the patient history, physical examination, and appropriate medications. A good history and physical examination are paramount to help determine the cause of the impotence. Should a treatable condition be found, appropriate medications or changing medications would be in order. Sometimes a specific cause is not found, even when the patient continues to manifest organic or physical impotence. In those cases one or several of the following therapies may be tried.
Initial treatment of the condition may consist of using a mild vasodilator such as Yohimbine in an effort to improve penile blood flow. It is important to remember that this is not specific for the blood vessels of the penis and there may be side effects associated with its use, such as dry mouth, dizziness, and upset stomach. This medication has about a 30 percent objective response rate. Read the rest of this entry »
Beyond all other factors contributing to impotence is the primary problem: The husband is too intensely preoccupied with his ability or inability to achieve and maintain an erection. He is pressured by the fear of failure. He concentrates on his bodily reactions like a spectator at his own lovemaking until self-consciousness destroys all joy, abandon, and sensation of pleasure. He tries, without success, to command the sexual reflexes, but they respond only to desire and stimulation. He becomes like the person who “can’t do anything right.” “I’m all thumbs today,” such a person complains, and from then on pays attention to his failures, not his successes. So the anxious lover fumbles and concentrates on his fumbles, until he is aware of nothing else. Self-consciousness is always self-defeating. It always produces an unsatisfactory state of affairs and never more so than in the lovemaking process. It opens the door to fear of failure, the true villain behind the scenes, and any cure must deal with this fear. Read the rest of this entry »
Some Causes of Impotence
In determining the causes of impotence there are many factors your doctor must consider. Here are some of them.
Alcohol. The intake of alcohol sometimes provokes some sexual desire, but it takes away much of the ability to perform or enjoy sexual union. Because alcohol always acts as a depressant on the neurological system, it can inhibit a person’s sexual functioning as much as it does his coordination or speech. The person who has lost control of his drinking (an alcoholic) almost never has normal sexual ability. Fifty percent of all practicing alcoholics are impotent. The male alcoholic retains a normal sexual desire but is apt to complain bitterly about his loss of ability to function sexually. This often drives him to seek even more escape through alcohol. Read the rest of this entry »
George C, a physically strong, hardworking man of fifty-three, had desired intercourse five or six times a week during his married life—until recently. His wife complained that he no longer showed an interest in her. She recalled that he had lost his erection a few weeks back, and they had terminated their lovemaking that night. They had never discussed it, but he had seemed indifferent since then. She also observed that he had taken on more responsibility in his job the past few months and showed an unaccustomed tiredness.
Greg H. and his wife slept in twin beds and were careful never to touch each other or demonstrate any affection. Over a period of time he had developed an inability to have intercourse. His wife felt sorry for him and “tried to make it as easy on him as possible by not bothering him about it.”
Ralph B. desired his wife, but in the middle of their lovemaking his desire “short-circuited,” as he described it. Read the rest of this entry »
I want to speak very directly with you who up to this time have been unable to enter into the sexual pleasure God designed for every wife. In the past, you would have been called frigid—a word that seems to denote an icy personality, unfeeling and self-contained. And you know yourself to be a warm and loving woman. It’s just that you haven’t been able to experience the thrills and excitement you’ve read about. You love your husband and you want all there is from marriage. Perhaps both of you are feeling discouraged because it hurts too much to go on failing, so why keep trying? Why not be content with just loving each other and settling for what must surely be second best? I assure you that you do not have to miss out on the pleasure of sex with your husband.
Nor do you have to think of yourself as frigid. Today we reserve the term frigid for a woman who finds the sex act distasteful, even offensive. The more accurate term for the woman who has never reached a sexual climax is preorgasmic, which implies fulfillment ahead; it’s delayed, but only for a time. Read the rest of this entry »
To Ed Wheat Sr. and Gladys Gibson Wheat, whose commitment, devotion, warmth, generosity, and integrity stood for fifty years as a beautiful picture of genuine agape love.