If you want to be able to enjoy sex for what you receive from it as well as for what it does for your husband, you are going to have to take the responsibility for your own sexual pleasure and not hesitate to communicate your needs to your husband. You are going to have to be very open with him, if you hope to develop the abandon that will give you the most pleasurable sex. Both of you need to establish that rejection of a particular form of love play is not rejection of the person, only the action. Each of you must be willing to give and to receive suggestions to increase excitement. We women do not hesitate to communicate our need for a new dress or a new carpet, but when it comes to our sexual needs, we seem to clam up. Do not ever think a problem is too small or insignificant to be discussed.
While in the process of lovemaking, concentration is most important. Even though you have been building anticipation and practicing new attitudes, you will find that you can be easily distracted and then have to start all over again in seeking arousal. You cannot allow yourself to lie there thinking about the problems of the day or about the fact that you forgot to take the meat out of the freezer. You need to keep your mind and body working together. Concentrate on whatever will arouse your desire. Think of the joy you are experiencing as you and your husband possess each other.
Be active, not passive, and you will enjoy lovemaking more. If you are active, your attention is less likely to wander. Do not be afraid to caress your husband while he is caressing you. When you abandon yourself to pursuing release, you will become more aware of your sensations, and your body will automatically begin to move about to help increase stimulation.
By the way, have you ever initiated sex? Almost every husband finds this an exciting development. The occasional husband who feds threatened by it is often one who fears his own sexual inadequacy. Tim Timmons in his Maximum Marriage Seminars says, “Sweep him off his feet … go get him . . . go after him? Without saying one word, you can let your husband know that you think he is wonderful, and that you find him physically attractive and desirable.
Perhaps there has been a difference of opinion on what frequency of intercourse is desirable. Whatever the two of you together prefer certainly is “normal” for your marriage. If you think your husband seems to require sex a lot more than you do, ponder this illustration: If you were in the desert and you were thirsty, you’d think about a glass of water, wouldn’t you? But if you’re standing by the refrigerator, and there’s an opportunity to push a button and get a glass of ice-cold water, and you know you can push the button and get it any time you want to, the need for a drink is not nearly so urgent. Maybe the reason your husband seems never to think of anything besides sex is that he’s “in the desert” and “thirsty.”
Sometimes you will be very tired and feeling as sexy as an old sock, but your husband will approach you with desire. Secular therapists say a wife should be able to respond, “Sorry, but I’m just not up to it tonight.” My own opinion as a Christian wife is that we can depend on the Lord to give us the strength and ability to be as warm and responsive as our husband desires, no matter how tired we are. As we commit this in prayer, trusting the Lord to give us the strength to meet our husband’s needs, we often find not only that we can do it, but that we enjoy the experience as well. The heart of the matter is attitude. Please do not be like the lady who told me grimly, “I have never refused, him.” And yet it was obvious that the refusal was there in her heart and even in her voice.
If you find rebellion rising within because of counsel that seems to stress submission to your husband and thus goes against your natural inclination, remember that submission to our God and to our husband is a supernatural work, the result of our own choice of action plus God’s power. Psalm 40:8 says, “I delight to do thy will, O my God,” and this is the point a wife must reach. Submission is always done &y you, not to you.
Ritual can become a hindrance to sexual enjoyment. If you and your husband have been having sex always at the same time and exactly the same routine, try a different time and a different approach. As the wife who usually schedules the activities for the family, you can plan times when you and your husband will be rested and ready for each other. Your husband needs energy for a good sexual relationship, and you can sometimes protect him from the exhaustion that comes from adding social activities on top of his daily work load.
After evaluation time is over, action should begin. You may feel, as some women have expressed to me, that even though you know your attitudes are not right, you just can change them. The woman who says she can’t, can’t. She is already committed to failure.
On the other hand, the woman who has the enabling power of God within her can change. How does it happen? By turning your attitude over to the Lord and then beginning to be and say and do what you know is right. Realize that as you please your husband, you are both obeying and pleasing the Lord. Let it be a love offering to both. The Lord will not make you do anything; He will not change you without your cooperation. You are not a robot or a puppet on a string. But if you know the attitude you should have, then you have to say, “Okay, with God’s strength operating in me, I am going to be different.” And then begin to do it. How does a woman quit biting her nails? Not by saying J can’t, but by quitting. The principle is the same in changing your attitudes toward love, sex, marriage, and your husband. Read the rest of this entry »
After evaluating attitudes, you need to consider your communication. Sex without communication has little to commend it. Your communication may be of the nonverbal kind during the lovemaking process itself. Perhaps you have learned to do what the sex therapists suggest—to put your hand lovingly over your husband’s and show him where you want stimulation. And if he is too rough or too gentle, to show him again with your hand over his. There are ways of telling him when you are ready for intercourse without saying a word. But even before you make love, you may need to communicate your needs to your husband, frankly and clearly. He may have needs to tell you about too. If you want to reach orgasm and are not doing so, ask him to give the manual stimulation that will bring you to orgasm. It is amazing how silent we women are on something as important as the sex act in marriage. We wish in silence or we suffer in silence or we hope that this time he will be different, that this time he will think of doing that which we long for him to do. Why not just tell him? Read the rest of this entry »
I have this suggestion for those of you who are longing for a better sex life, or for you who admit (without longing) that it isn’t all that great for your husband. Take stock of your own attitudes first! This calls for some time alone, when you can honestly evaluate your attitudes toward sex and toward your husband as a lover. Before you are done, you will find that you are taking a long look at your self-esteem as well, for that too occupies a place in the total picture.
Begin with your attitude toward sex in general. When you read the word sex, what do you think about? What image comes into your mind? Something warm and loving and tender and yielding? Or perhaps something a bit distasteful, or even unpleasant?
What was your attitude before you were married? Did your mother tell you everything you needed to know beforehand? Did she tell you anything? Perhaps you thought your husband would know it all, and yet he didn’t. Do you still have sexual inhibitions? Do you endure sex as a duty or anticipate it with delight? Are you warm and responsive to your husband’s lovemaking or do you scoot over to the other side of the bed, hoping he won’t show any interest? Read the rest of this entry »
This will not be one of those very serious lectures on how to become the perfect wife! I don’t want to imply that I have somehow attained that state or that it is possible for you to get there by following ten easy steps and putting forth a little effort.
The chapter title with perfect in quotation marks should suggest that we will be using perfect in a somewhat different manner than that which the dictionary decrees with its list of lofty definitions:
“Without blemish or defect.” (Who, me?) “Completely skilled.” (Hardly!) “Thoroughly effective.” (Maybe occasionally.) “Having all the qualities necessary …” (Well, no.)
But then that last definition gives pause for thought: Having all the qualities necessary … to assure your husband that you’re the perfect wife for him. There it is! Exactly what this chapter is about.
We know we aren’t perfect wives. And our husbands know it too. But it is possible to keep them so happy that they think of us as perfect, because in the details that matter most to them, we have learned to please them! Now I am not talking about devious dealings or cute manipulations designed to befuddle our husbands into adoring us. They are not that easily fooled. And, more important, there is a better way to please them—a way that God can honor, because it is rooted in the New Testament principle of servant-hood: “Ourselves your servants for Jesus’ sake”. Read the rest of this entry »
Relate Sexually as Lovers
After sex most men want reassurance that they have been good lovers, and most women want reassurance that their husband has been pleased, enchanted, and satisfied. But research indicates that a great many people just turn over and go to sleep without saying much of anything!
If you want to build intimacy, you will need to begin to relate to each other sexually as lovers, not as disgruntled moms and dads who occasionally have sex because it’s a habit—or duty.
What are some of the characteristics of sex between marriage partners who are lovers? First of all, when they have sex, they are often reenacting the time when they first fell in love—the drama of their courtship—and this recalls the freshness of youth. These feelings can be recaptured each time they shut out the world to come together sexually. The husband can experience the thrill of conquest whenever he makes love to his wife; she can glory in his pursuit; and he can savor her melting response. Read the rest of this entry »
You cannot build intimacy when you are trying to protect or defend yourselves. You cannot build intimacy when you are afraid of exposing your needs and frailties. You cannot build intimacy unless you feel safer with your partner both emotionally and physically than with anyone else in the world.
Intimacy grows only in a place of safety. Because human behavior is organized around the seeking of pleasure and the avoidance of pain, you must treat your partner in such a way that he or she will always identify you with pleasure, not with emotional pain.
When husband and wife are afraid of hurt, rebuff, criticism, or misunderstanding from each other, they will find it difficult to touch affectionately or share freely. God’s Word shows how to establish the trust that builds intimacy in two concise statements: Read the rest of this entry »
Prescription for Intimacy
We could give you endless lists of suggestions for building sexual intimacy in your marriage but we are going to prescribe only three things. These are broad guidelines that reflect what therapists call the three functioning aspects of human intimacy: love, sensuousness, and sexuality. The first guideline has to do with love, for that is the only way to build trust.
Television watching may seem less significant than other factors we have mentioned. However, television promotes passivity; people wrapped up in watching T.V. have neither the motivation nor the energy to develop an intimate relationship. It can become so hypnotic that one does not realize how much time is being given to T.V. viewing.
It can turn into a source of real friction. One partner stays up to watch the late-night programs and then expects the other to still be alert and ready for lovemaking when he or she comes to bed. Sometimes television viewing is used deliberately as a means of avoiding sex.
So weigh your priorities and decide which you would rather have: a life spent passively staring into a television screen or an intimate relationship with your marriage partner. Read the rest of this entry »
Sensuousness is defined by therapists as the need to be held, fondled, caressed, and touched. It should not be confused with sensuality, which is a preoccupation with the physical, as opposed to the intellectual and spiritual. We are speaking simply of the importance of touch, as a means of meeting a human being’s deep needs, and as an essential way of developing intimacy in the marriage.
In Love Life we have given twenty-five suggestions for nonsexual touching, which any husband and wife would do well to put into practice. Some individuals are hungry for more touching and they will gladly have sex, just to be held and caressed. Others do not understand what their true need is and they may try to use sex as a substitute for sensitive, affectionate, physical fondling and closeness. Then there are those who believe they “are just not affectionate.” These must learn to enjoy sensuousness through the loving, patient persistence of the partner and the practice of nonsexual physical touching. Read the rest of this entry »
To Ed Wheat Sr. and Gladys Gibson Wheat, whose commitment, devotion, warmth, generosity, and integrity stood for fifty years as a beautiful picture of genuine agape love.