Bottled-Up Anger and Resentment
Anger and hostility, no matter how veiled or repressed, will kill any growth of loving intimacy. Marital boredom is often the mask that hides a world of rage and resentment never openly expressed. This happens when a couple fail to resolve issues as they arise. Sometimes they will opt for a strained politeness, refusing to deal with the cause of tension. Sometimes they resume a marital front, pretending that the clash never happened, but the bad feelings are still there. The issue may still be there, too, waiting to trouble them another day.
An argument, distasteful as it seems at the time, is better than chilly silence, because an argument does represent a reaching out to the other person. The underlying desire of the two arguing is that their position will be understood and accepted by the other. Arguments sometimes bring about a new understanding between husband and wife.
A rousing “fight” can be better than repression of opinions and emotions, which produces resentment, leading to indifference. Indifference is the true enemy of love. At least the couple are still directed toward each other when they are fighting!
Two ground rules should be observed for constructive communication: (a) an agreement that both will keep talking, until they resolve the problem and understand each other; (b) an agreement to limit the discussion to the present conflict, not bringing up past failure on either side.
Posted in Hindrances to Intimacy
To Ed Wheat Sr. and Gladys Gibson Wheat, whose commitment, devotion, warmth, generosity, and integrity stood for fifty years as a beautiful picture of genuine agape love.