Attitudes and Action (continuation)
If you want to be able to enjoy sex for what you receive from it as well as for what it does for your husband, you are going to have to take the responsibility for your own sexual pleasure and not hesitate to communicate your needs to your husband. You are going to have to be very open with him, if you hope to develop the abandon that will give you the most pleasurable sex. Both of you need to establish that rejection of a particular form of love play is not rejection of the person, only the action. Each of you must be willing to give and to receive suggestions to increase excitement. We women do not hesitate to communicate our need for a new dress or a new carpet, but when it comes to our sexual needs, we seem to clam up. Do not ever think a problem is too small or insignificant to be discussed.
While in the process of lovemaking, concentration is most important. Even though you have been building anticipation and practicing new attitudes, you will find that you can be easily distracted and then have to start all over again in seeking arousal. You cannot allow yourself to lie there thinking about the problems of the day or about the fact that you forgot to take the meat out of the freezer. You need to keep your mind and body working together. Concentrate on whatever will arouse your desire. Think of the joy you are experiencing as you and your husband possess each other.
Be active, not passive, and you will enjoy lovemaking more. If you are active, your attention is less likely to wander. Do not be afraid to caress your husband while he is caressing you. When you abandon yourself to pursuing release, you will become more aware of your sensations, and your body will automatically begin to move about to help increase stimulation.
By the way, have you ever initiated sex? Almost every husband finds this an exciting development. The occasional husband who feds threatened by it is often one who fears his own sexual inadequacy. Tim Timmons in his Maximum Marriage Seminars says, “Sweep him off his feet … go get him . . . go after him? Without saying one word, you can let your husband know that you think he is wonderful, and that you find him physically attractive and desirable.
Perhaps there has been a difference of opinion on what frequency of intercourse is desirable. Whatever the two of you together prefer certainly is “normal” for your marriage. If you think your husband seems to require sex a lot more than you do, ponder this illustration: If you were in the desert and you were thirsty, you’d think about a glass of water, wouldn’t you? But if you’re standing by the refrigerator, and there’s an opportunity to push a button and get a glass of ice-cold water, and you know you can push the button and get it any time you want to, the need for a drink is not nearly so urgent. Maybe the reason your husband seems never to think of anything besides sex is that he’s “in the desert” and “thirsty.”
Sometimes you will be very tired and feeling as sexy as an old sock, but your husband will approach you with desire. Secular therapists say a wife should be able to respond, “Sorry, but I’m just not up to it tonight.” My own opinion as a Christian wife is that we can depend on the Lord to give us the strength and ability to be as warm and responsive as our husband desires, no matter how tired we are. As we commit this in prayer, trusting the Lord to give us the strength to meet our husband’s needs, we often find not only that we can do it, but that we enjoy the experience as well. The heart of the matter is attitude. Please do not be like the lady who told me grimly, “I have never refused, him.” And yet it was obvious that the refusal was there in her heart and even in her voice.
If you find rebellion rising within because of counsel that seems to stress submission to your husband and thus goes against your natural inclination, remember that submission to our God and to our husband is a supernatural work, the result of our own choice of action plus God’s power. Psalm 40:8 says, “I delight to do thy will, O my God,” and this is the point a wife must reach. Submission is always done &y you, not to you.
Ritual can become a hindrance to sexual enjoyment. If you and your husband have been having sex always at the same time and exactly the same routine, try a different time and a different approach. As the wife who usually schedules the activities for the family, you can plan times when you and your husband will be rested and ready for each other. Your husband needs energy for a good sexual relationship, and you can sometimes protect him from the exhaustion that comes from adding social activities on top of his daily work load.
Posted in Attitudes and Communication
To Ed Wheat Sr. and Gladys Gibson Wheat, whose commitment, devotion, warmth, generosity, and integrity stood for fifty years as a beautiful picture of genuine agape love.