At the pre-marriage counseling session
Many of you who are seeking sexual fulfillment in your marriage realize that mastery of physical techniques is only part of the answer. Despite the claims of some sex manuals, a couple cannot separate sex from the rest of the marriage, perfecting it and then isolating it, as it were, in an airtight compartment to be used when desired. Everything that happens in a marriage has its effect on the lovemaking experience.
Because all phases of the biblical plan for marriage must be in operation before we can fully enjoy the sexual union as God designed it, we need to have a clear understanding of His plan. Unfortunately most of us were not counseled in these matters before we married and so we stumbled through the first few years, at least, trying to find our way to happiness. As a family physician for almost four decades, I have observed that marriage with its tremendous significance often turns out to be the least-prepared-for event of life. Even as divorce takes on epidemic proportions, young couples continue to venture into marriage remarkably unprepared. Sometimes a brief meeting with the minister before the wedding, then an often elaborate ceremony, and the newly-weds are on their own, to hit or miss in their quest for happiness, while family and friends hope for the best.
I consider premarriage counseling an essential part of my responsibility as a family doctor. It is not only a preventive measure, protecting against family breakups, but it also can trigger a positive course of action that will bring pleasure and joy as the young couple learn to love in an enduring relationship.
The same basic principles that I discuss in premarriage counseling need to be underscored for every reader before we go on to the physical aspects of lovemaking. Although I usually share these with engaged couples, they will undoubtedly be of help to you whether you are a newlywed or celebrating your twenty-eighth wedding anniversary. Actually, very few couples are so advanced in wisdom and years that they could not profit from the following biblical principles.
Since this is almost the equivalent of listening in on a premarriage counseling session in my office, perhaps you would like to know how it takes place. When a couple call for an appointment for the blood tests, which are required by state law, I ask them to read my books, Intended for Pleasure, Love Life for Every Married Couple, Secret Choices, and The First Tears of Forever. The premarriage counsel in these books provides a couple with an opportunity to plan their marriage in the vital areas where planning is essential for success.
I then ask the couple to listen to my teaching tapes Sex Technique and Sex Problems in Marriage and Before the Wedding Night before they come in for their appointment. The tapes clearly present the information every married couple needs for good sexual adjustment, including specific advice for the first few weeks of intercourse. This information can be found in chapter 4 of this book. As the couple listen to the tapes together, the man knows what the woman should do, she knows what he should do, and they both know that they know. Many uncertainties and fears are dispelled, and the couple begin their marriage with an openness of communication in this most intimate part of their life.
When they come to my office, they both receive physical examinations, and at that time they ask specific questions based on the information they have received from the tapes. This procedure assures me that they have been told what they need to know and it affords me the time to go over these basic principles of the God-planned marriage with them during the office call. I generally find that this is the only specific counseling they have received at this turning point in their lives.
At the premarriage counseling session I give to the couple a brief outline of eleven biblical principles that help to ensure a happy marriage. Applying these vital principles will improve anyone’s marriage, whether that person is a believer in Christ or not. God has set up certain principles by which men and women are to operate, and these are effective in anyone’s life. The only problem is that the non-Christian is unable to implement these principles consistently on a lifelong basis. Only Christians have within them the person of the Lord Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit to empower them to carry out what is so clearly specified in the Bible.
Here is the way I discuss these principles point by point with the engaged couple:
1. Reserve funds to allow for a few weeks of uninterrupted time for a honeymoon. “When a man hath taken a new wife, he shall not go out to war, neither shall he be charged with any business: but he shall be free at home one year, and shall cheer up his wife which he hath taken” (Deut. 24:5).
In our day of poor marriage planning we could hardly expect a man to take off from work for one year. However, there is a definite scriptural principle here. It is that the first few weeks of the marriage are a crucial time for the young couple. To “cheer up” the wife means literally in the Hebrew “to know sexually and understand what is exquisitely pleasing to her” in the physical relationship.
If, like other young people, you are considering spending several thousand dollars for the wedding and a few leftover dollars for an overnight honeymoon, I certainly advise balancing your funds so that you can be free of responsibility for a few weeks, while you have time to get to know each other. During that period you will have clearer communication lines than you may ever have again, and if each of you does not come to know the other at the first of your marriage, you will find those communication lines becoming progressively blocked as time goes on.
Never plan on getting married just before entering college or graduate school or starting a new business, when the demand on your time and efforts will be so great. Seminary or medical school, for instance, will require intense concentrated study. So schedule your marriage at the beginning of a vacation time or during a break in employment. Concentrate on each other to establish the right pattern of caring in your marriage.
2. Borrow no money. “Owe no man any thing, but to love one another” (Rom. 13:8). Borrowing money before marriage or soon after is like adding another phrase to the marriage vows: “Till debt do us part.” In other words, let not money put asunder what God has put together. A psychology textbook’s listing of the most common problems in marriage puts the handling of money at the head of the list. The key factor that creates problems is not how much money but the attitude toward money or the use of money. In fact in my counseling experience I have found much more conflict among people with a surplus of money than those with limited funds.
This advice could be rephrased “Borrow no money to buy depreciating items.” Many young couples go deeply into debt to purchase an expensive automobile or a house full of fine furniture. You will be much happier if you buy only what you can afford, and then spend your weekends together, fixing up your car or building furniture or searching for “treasures” at used furniture sales.
I know one young couple who make a car payment to their savings account each month. When they have enough cash, they buy a car, and go on making payments to themselves for the next car. They collect interest instead of paying it out to someone else and enjoy freedom from debt at the same time. Financial freedom gives you power to utilize your money as you choose, not as the moneylenders choose for you. If you want to enjoy each other and find pleasure in your marriage, do not commit your funds to such an extent that you do not have available cash for the little things that are so much fun to do together.
3. Be independent of in-laws. Leave father and mother. “For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh” (Eph. 5:31). However, you should not marry without their approval. “Children, obeyyour parents in the Lord: for this is right” (Eph. 6:1).
Before sin entered into the human race, two commands were given to Adam. One was not to eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil (in other words, not to learn evil by experience). The other command was to gef/in-laws out of marriage! Looking down the corridors of time at future causes of marriage problems, God said in-laws should not be involved in your marriage (Gen. 2:24). Separating from parents physically, emotionally, and financially is the best possible way to begin a new social unit.
The man, by the way, is told to leave his father and his mother and to cleave (to be united totally and inseparably) to his wife— a welding together so that there can be no taking apart. He is commanded to cleave to his wife, even before he is told to love her. The Bible does not specify the best age for marriage but it does establish the principle that the man must be able to be totally independent of his parents and to establish his own home. In our culture, age twenty-six is statistically the best time for a woman to get married, and age twenty-seven to thirty-one for a man. That is, fewer divorces result when people marry at these ages. Three out of five teenage marriages now end in divorce. Regardless of age, any Christian couple working hard to apply God’s principles to a good marriage plan will enjoy God’s blessings in marriage.
I encourage you to listen to your parents if they do not want you to marry or if they disapprove of your choice of mate. Not only is this biblical, but remember that your parents know you better than anyone else does. They have the knowledge to discern the qualities you need in a marriage partner, far better perhaps than you do. I suspect that many marital problems could be avoided if children would listen to their parents’ careful evaluation before they marry.
4. Do not get aT.V. set for at least one year. “Ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife. … Be ye all of one mind” (1 Peter 3:7, 8). This is one of the most surprising things that young people hear from me. It may sound absurd. But did you know that television can be the greatest, most subtle thief of your time? It will steal away those moments that you should be devoting to your mate and, later, to your family. It will take away the most wonderful hours of your day—hours that could be spent in personal communication and sharing, moments when you can best learn to relate to each other. There is no giving, no receiving, when you spend your time watching television. Television doesn’t produce “prime time”; it steals your prime time as a couple.
Husband, you are urged to do two things in Scripture: First, study the Scripture, then study your wife. Dwell with her. Be totally at ease together, with full knowledge of each other. This is what marriage is all about.
5. Never go to bed, with an unreconciled relationship. “Let not the sun go down upon your wrath” (Eph. 4:26). “Forgive as the Lord forgave you” (Col. 3:13 Nrv).
The Bible warns us not to harbor anger so that it corrodes, causing resentment or bitterness. Some people simmer and fume under the surface for days or weeks at a time, but this is not God’s way and it will damage any marriage. Resolve negative attitudes toward each other by the end of the day or do not go to bed until you do. Conflicts arise because two people have come together from different backgrounds, with different educational levels, emotional makeups, desires, and objectives. Conflicts are inevitable. But a conflict becomes a problem only when it is not quickly resolved.
6. Seek outside spiritual counsel if unable to resolve a major conflict within one week. The one week is a time limit I have suggested. The Bible does not say how soon spiritual counsel is to be sought. But it is important not to let a seed of bitterness take root and grow up to smother your marriage. “Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness” (Gal. 6:1). “Follow peace with all men, and holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord: Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled” (Heb. 12:14-15). “. . . forgetting those things which are behind …” (Phil. 3:13). All of these Scriptures encourage forgiveness, reconciliation, and restoration.
7. Seek counsel if the wife is consistently unable to attain good sexual release. “Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not’power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other” (1 Cor. 7:3-5).
We are told in this passage that the husband and wife are actually robbing each other if there is not mutual pleasure in the sexual relationship. The Bible implies that husbands and wives are entitled to certain rights, and sexual fulfillment is the clearest, most specifically spelled out. God says a husband and wife have the right to be sexually satisfied.
If, early in your marriage, each of you comes to realize how great your responsibility is to fulfill your mate sexually, most problems will be eliminated even before they begin. In almost every case sexual satisfaction can be reached with good counsel, proper information, and an application and practice of the right techniques.
8. Have Bible study together every day. “Man shall not live by bread alone” (Matt. 4:4). “Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly” (Col. 3:16). “Cleanse it with the washing of water by the word” (Eph. 5:26). Accompany this with prayer: “If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God” (James 1:5).
In Ephesians 5:25-28 we read something that is highly applicable to this principle of marriage: “Husbands-, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, that he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies.”
Christ meets the needs of the Church by washing it and cleansing it with the water of the Word. So ought we to love our wives. It is our responsibility to place before our wives and our families the Word of God.
Husband, as the Word of God is allowed to course through your wife’s mind, personality, and very being, she will become the beautiful person God designed her to be. All that would make her less than pure, all that would limit her from becoming a wonderful wife will gradually be removed as the two of you share in daily Bible study. It is the responsibility of the husband to initiate this.
If you don’t know how to begin, one way is to listen together to Bible teaching on cassette. Bible Believers Cassettes, Inc., a free-loan library, offers more than a thousand different messages on the subjects of dating, marriage, and the Christian home. (Send for your catalog to: 130 N. Spring St., Springdale, AR 72764.) You may obtain Bible study that is specifically applicable to your personal situation. Build your home life around Bible study and prayer; this can lead to more happiness and harmony in your home than you could ever imagine.
9. The husband must be 100 percent committed to loving his wife. The wife must be 100 percent committed to being submissive (Eph. 5). As the husband loves his wife, she is willing to be submissive to him. As the wife submits to her husband, his love for her will surely grow. Do not marry someone who is not a Christian (2 Cor. 6:14). Only when a person trusts in our Lord Jesus Christ alone for salvation can that person be considered a Christian (Acts 4:12). Only when submitting to Christ can anyone live the lifestyle of submission (1 Cor. 11:3; Eph. 5:21).
What kind of love is a husband to bring to his wife? It is a strong, stable, mental attitude, always seeking nothing but the highest good for the one he loves. It is a love expressed in word and action that motivates the one being loved to give of herself in return.
What does it mean for a wife to be in submission to her husband? The word submit comes from a military term that actually means to move in an organized manner, to do an assigned job in an assigned way. But in the marriage relationship, the term for submission in the Bible is always used in the middle or passive voice in the original Greek. The voice in Greek is significant because it indicates whether someone is imposing the submission or whether submission comes from within. Submission that a wife gives her husband is a free gift that springs up from within the wife like life-giving water bubbling up from a fresh well, not something imposed through intimidation or other outside force. Submission is the most important gift a wife can give her husband. A responsive and receptive wife willingly demonstrates that she surrenders her freedom for his love, adoration, protection, and provision.
Marriage must be a giving relationship. While the-husband is giving love, giving every bit of energy, every bit of knowledge that he possesses to do that which is best for his wife and family, the wife is to respond to that love, adoration, and provision. This response will lead to an eagerness to meet her husband’s needs, even before he asks. It is an attitude of willing adaptation to that which God is leading her husband to do. We know submission has to be a gift from her to him, because it is contrary to all natural tendencies. As it is given, it releases a supernatural flow of love between the husband and the wife.
If these two attitudes of love and submission are ignored, difficulty, possibly disaster, looms ahead. If love and submission are put into action, a wonderful marriage will result, because God says very simply that this is the way He designed it.
10. The husband is to be head of his wife. “But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God” (1 Cor. 11:3). “For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church” (Eph. 5:23). “One that ruleth well his own house . . .” (1 Tim. 3:4).
The husband’s authority over the wife is rooted in Christ’s authority over the church. In fact all authority we have is delegated authority, and the husband who keeps this in mind will never abuse that authority. On the other hand, the man who relinquishes his leadership position is sowing seeds that will yield trouble in due season.
The husband is the spiritual leader of the home and the head of his wife whether he functions in that capacity or not. Any break in the marriage relationship is the man’s responsibility. Now I did not say it was his fault. I said that God holds the man accountable for any break in the marriage, because he is the one commanded to cleave inseparably to his wife. This principle of responsibility applies in every area of the relationship, whether spiritual, emotional, or physical.
The bride-to-be should realize before the wedding how important it is to marry a man she can gladly respond to and submit to as her spiritual leader and protective head. I have told many young women, “If you cannot look up to a man, do not look at him.”
11. “And the wife see that she reverence her husband” {Eph. 5:33). What does it mean to reverence the husband? It means to give him respect. Men, it is difficult for your wife to respect you, if you are not respectable. It is impossible for a woman to revere her husband, if he is not worthy of reverence. The husband needs to live his life before his wife so that she can see that he is worthy of the respect God asks her to have. In the full meaning of the language of the Greek New Testament, the wife is told to respect, admire, enjoy, fear or be in awe of, defer to, revere, adore, be devoted to, esteem, praise, and deeply love her husband. This is her full-time job, and the original language of the Bible implies that she will be personally benefited as she does it.
If the wife does not trust and respect her husband, it is devastating to him and finally to the marriage. The greatest desire of love is to find an answering love. The greatest grief of love is not to be believed. But if a wife is able to look at her husband with eyes of reverence, he becomes a king among men!
In turn, he should give his wife the place of honor, a place of special privilege and preciousness. Many men have second-rate wives because they treat them in a second-rate manner. They never gain the real queen they would like to be married to; they just do not realize that the wife in many ways is a reflection of her husband. The wife is elevated to a queenly position by the wise and loving husband who puts into operation the great principles of the God-planned marriage.
Some of you reading this chapter have children who will be entering marriage in a few years and you want to do all you can to prepare them for a good marriage. Let me make the following suggestions.
The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. The home should be the most attractive place in the world to the children, and the mother should be the greatest attraction.
Without a warm atmosphere in your home and marriage—an atmosphere of love, generosity, and forgiveness—your children will not know how to love. The only person who knows how to love is the person who has been loved, whb has seen love, who has experienced love. The Christian home is a laboratory in which the love of God is demonstrated.
If you do not have this kind of love in your home, your children are likely to grow up with a feeling of inferiority, emptiness, and lack of worth. But it is not too late for you to develop a home of love. It is never too late for two people who want a transformed marriage. Remember that the only course on marriage most children will ever take is the one in their home! As fathers and mothers in a Christian home, we can provide the best in marriage preparation for our children by having a genuine love for each other and by learning all we can about how to express that love so our children will have a visible, ongoing demonstration of real love.
I have had the opportunity as a family doctor to see results in the marriages of the couples who received this kind of premarriage counseling, based on the absolutes of the Word of God. Over a period of years I have watched the couples who have applied these principles develop stable, loving, satisfying relationships. These basic instructions from the Bible, if followed, will ensure happy marriages.
Applying heavenly principles to a marriage can produce a heaven on earth. This is my desire for every young couple and for every home.
Posted in Pre marriage counseling
To Ed Wheat Sr. and Gladys Gibson Wheat, whose commitment, devotion, warmth, generosity, and integrity stood for fifty years as a beautiful picture of genuine agape love.