Christian Marriage – Sex Technique and sexual fulfillment

I have been asked how my marriage has changed since Ed and I became Christians years ago. There is no comparison! Before that time, of course, we were both self-centered. We did not have the kind of sex relationship spoken of in this book because we just did not care that much about pleasing each other, and we were quite ignorant of the meaning of sex in God’s Word. We got along well together but we did not share our innermost feelings with each other.

Now that we are Christians, I know that the love Ed has for me is the same kind of love that Christ has for me. I am safe and secure in that love. I know that I can always talk to my husband, and that I can trust his wisdom as the spiritual leader of our family. As we have become so used to pouring our hearts out together in prayer, we now are free to communicate about anything to each other. We are not afraid to expose ourselves and our faults, because we know that we accept each other, just as we are, with all our frailties and faults and good points. How wonderful it is to know that I am not loved based on my performance: No matter how poorly I perform, I am still going to be loved. And that has to make me perform better. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted under The "Perfect" Wife

After evaluation time is over, action should begin. You may feel, as some women have expressed to me, that even though you know your attitudes are not right, you just can change them. The woman who says she can’t, can’t. She is already committed to failure.
On the other hand, the woman who has the enabling power of God within her can change. How does it happen? By turning your attitude over to the Lord and then beginning to be and say and do what you know is right. Realize that as you please your husband, you are both obeying and pleasing the Lord. Let it be a love offering to both. The Lord will not make you do anything; He will not change you without your cooperation. You are not a robot or a puppet on a string. But if you know the attitude you should have, then you have to say, “Okay, with God’s strength operating in me, I am going to be different.” And then begin to do it. How does a woman quit biting her nails? Not by saying J can’t, but by quitting. The principle is the same in changing your attitudes toward love, sex, marriage, and your husband. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted under Attitudes and Communication

After evaluating attitudes, you need to consider your communication. Sex without communication has little to commend it. Your communication may be of the nonverbal kind during the lovemaking process itself. Perhaps you have learned to do what the sex therapists suggest—to put your hand lovingly over your husband’s and show him where you want stimulation. And if he is too rough or too gentle, to show him again with your hand over his. There are ways of telling him when you are ready for intercourse without saying a word. But even before you make love, you may need to communicate your needs to your husband, frankly and clearly. He may have needs to tell you about too. If you want to reach orgasm and are not doing so, ask him to give the manual stimulation that will bring you to orgasm. It is amazing how silent we women are on something as important as the sex act in marriage. We wish in silence or we suffer in silence or we hope that this time he will be different, that this time he will think of doing that which we long for him to do. Why not just tell him? Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: sex therapists, sex without communication

Posted under Attitudes and Communication

I have this suggestion for those of you who are longing for a better sex life, or for you who admit (without longing) that it isn’t all that great for your husband. Take stock of your own attitudes first! This calls for some time alone, when you can honestly evaluate your attitudes toward sex and toward your husband as a lover. Before you are done, you will find that you are taking a long look at your self-esteem as well, for that too occupies a place in the total picture.
Begin with your attitude toward sex in general. When you read the word sex, what do you think about? What image comes into your mind? Something warm and loving and tender and yielding? Or perhaps something a bit distasteful, or even unpleasant?
What was your attitude before you were married? Did your mother tell you everything you needed to know beforehand? Did she tell you anything? Perhaps you thought your husband would know it all, and yet he didn’t. Do you still have sexual inhibitions? Do you endure sex as a duty or anticipate it with delight? Are you warm and responsive to your husband’s lovemaking or do you scoot over to the other side of the bed, hoping he won’t show any interest? Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: better sex life

Posted under Attitudes and Communication

This will not be one of those very serious lectures on how to become the perfect wife! I don’t want to imply that I have somehow attained that state or that it is possible for you to get there by following ten easy steps and putting forth a little effort.
The chapter title with perfect in quotation marks should suggest that we will be using perfect in a somewhat different manner than that which the dictionary decrees with its list of lofty definitions:
“Without blemish or defect.” (Who, me?) “Completely skilled.” (Hardly!) “Thoroughly effective.” (Maybe occasionally.) “Having all the qualities necessary …” (Well, no.)
But then that last definition gives pause for thought: Having all the qualities necessary … to assure your husband that you’re the perfect wife for him. There it is! Exactly what this chapter is about.
We know we aren’t perfect wives. And our husbands know it too. But it is possible to keep them so happy that they think of us as perfect, because in the details that matter most to them, we have learned to please them! Now I am not talking about devious dealings or cute manipulations designed to befuddle our husbands into adoring us. They are not that easily fooled. And, more important, there is a better way to please them—a way that God can honor, because it is rooted in the New Testament principle of servant-hood: “Ourselves your servants for Jesus’ sake”. Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: husbands, sex relationship, sexual technique in marriage, the sex experience

Posted under The "Perfect" Wife

Relate Sexually as Lovers
After sex most men want reassurance that they have been good lovers, and most women want reassurance that their husband has been pleased, enchanted, and satisfied. But research indicates that a great many people just turn over and go to sleep without saying much of anything!
If you want to build intimacy, you will need to begin to relate to each other sexually as lovers, not as disgruntled moms and dads who occasionally have sex because it’s a habit—or duty.

What are some of the characteristics of sex between marriage partners who are lovers? First of all, when they have sex, they are often reenacting the time when they first fell in love—the drama of their courtship—and this recalls the freshness of youth. These feelings can be recaptured each time they shut out the world to come together sexually. The husband can experience the thrill of conquest whenever he makes love to his wife; she can glory in his pursuit; and he can savor her melting response. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted under The Power of Sexual Intimacy

You cannot build intimacy when you are trying to protect or defend yourselves. You cannot build intimacy when you are afraid of exposing your needs and frailties. You cannot build intimacy unless you feel safer with your partner both emotionally and physically than with anyone else in the world.
Intimacy grows only in a place of safety. Because human behavior is organized around the seeking of pleasure and the avoidance of pain, you must treat your partner in such a way that he or she will always identify you with pleasure, not with emotional pain.
When husband and wife are afraid of hurt, rebuff, criticism, or misunderstanding from each other, they will find it difficult to touch affectionately or share freely. God’s Word shows how to establish the trust that builds intimacy in two concise statements: Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: build intimacy

Posted under Hindrances to Intimacy

Prescription for Intimacy
We could give you endless lists of suggestions for building sexual intimacy in your marriage but we are going to prescribe only three things. These are broad guidelines that reflect what therapists call the three functioning aspects of human intimacy: love, sensuousness, and sexuality. The first guideline has to do with love, for that is the only way to build trust.

Posted under Hindrances to Intimacy